list 3: if x, then y--disaster edition

Beneath those washcloths: MORE POLISH, staying wet until I could clean it off.

Beneath those washcloths: MORE POLISH, staying wet until I could clean it off.

  1. If you lose hold of your nailpolish box and drop it, and a bottle of it cracks at the neck, flinging fumey stickiness all over your bedroom carpet, then it's probably safe to assume it would not be a nice, clear topcoat bottle but instead, that last bottle of lime green Sally Hansen Xtreme Wear (shade name: IVY LEAGUE I am not kidding.) 
  2. If I make a huge mess, and this is a thing that happens often enough that I'm afraid I'll never grow out of it, then the next thing I do is search ["jolie kerr" + "fill-in-stain-disaster-here"]. This will almost always take you to a Jezebel page, and I'm not direct linking to them right now because fuck'em. Jolie Kerr will not steer you wrong when it comes to cleaning up things and her book is coming out in February. Here is what worked on that Ivy League: not a DAMN thing but straight acetone. It did not bleach or melt the carpet, and the polish came up. Slowly. Over two days worth of dabbing spot by spot.

  3. If you ever have to spend two days with your face a few inches from an acetone-soaked carpet, then you are going to have to open your fucking windows, even if it is January in Winnipeg and it is -15C/5F outside. There is no getting around it. When the wind blows snow into your room you will be nicely stoned and you will think it looks pretty. At some point, try to remember to put away all the extra cotton balls and pointy q-tips and emery boards and stuff, because all that additional visual clutter is NOT HELPING DAMN IT. (Take a picture first, though, especially if you need to guiltiily report your mess to the only person who (a) has legendary sensitivity to fumes (b) has to sleep in the same house you have turned into an acetone fume zone.)

  4. If you have already polished your nails in bright blood red, then you should probably remove it before you start this cleanup process or risk adding even more stains to the carpet. 

  5. If you promise not to take this anecdotal Number 5 as advice, then I will tell you that the smallest bits of polish--the ones that managed to dry anyway, no matter how wet I tried to keep them--were the bits that cleaned up easiest. The color stayed on the surface of the carpet, and the acetone dissolved it much more effectively. 

  6. If you think that common sense would take over and that I would cease storing my nail polish in the bedroom, then you think much better of me than I deserve because that shit is still right in my nightstand daring me to drop it again.


52 lists is a hula seventy thing and I cannot believe I have done three in a row. GO ME.